Gardening today, because fuck staying inside soaking in misery and sadness.
Lilacs, raspberries, blackberries, gooseberry, saskatoon, hazelnut, pawpaw.
How long have you been on T?
I have had a surprising number of female cashiers (always, never a man) ask me "oh, honey, you are so pretty, how long have you been on T? Why would you do that to yourself?"
Like. Thanks I guess? 30 years but I am trying to drop the habit IDK.
Wow ok I did not expect to get real feels from erotica this morning. CW egg cracking, transphobia
The work is "Deviled Egg" by Katie the Angel Witch on scribblehub, and if you are into the things I am into, it is a gem of a piece and hits all the right buttons, and it is written by a transfeminine person to boot. This is probably why it is such a gut-punch in places; she knows
[on being transformed into a succubus and subsequently put under a glamour to appear human but still female] I just stood there, staring at the reflection for five minutes, a smile creeping on my face during it, until I burst into a fit of laughter. [...] My laughter turned hysterical. "Why do you have to feel so right? Why do you have to feel correct? I can't be a girl! I can't be! It's not allowed! Father will never let me!” I made my way out of the bathroom, still hysterically laughing. "I CAN'T BE ONE! HE'LL NEVER LET ME BE ONE! AAAAAAAA!!!!!”
And then, we get up another moment of introspection, and, oh fuck. Katie dearest have you been following me?
... Oh. My ideal dude is a girl who doesn't know yet that she is one. Congrats Lily, you're not escaping that attraction. Wait did I seriously call myself Lily in my thoughts?... I did. Fuck. Okay, keep hiding it. It's gonna be fine. I'll just… be Lily while home alone, I can do that, right? That won't make dad mad, he'll have his son trying to meet his expectations, without ever knowing said son spends his free time with a pair of boobs wearing cute dresses. I can manage living like that, right?
Just over here, literally crying happy/sad/regret/anger tears. Crying for the joy of a cracking egg. Crying for the repression that formed the shell to begin with. Crying for the regret and the might-have-been, both for the protagonist who has had a magical blessing upon her, and for me who could have dodged her male puberty and could not bring herself to say a word. Crying for the oppressors who keep us scared and lonely and closeted and forced to wrap ourselves in protective coatings.
Emotions are hard, yo.
Dating Rules Are Hard 2
Yeah I decided correctly. And the pretty girl I hung out with this weekend was only a year younger than me. It just felt right.
Doctor Who Thoughts
I have been rewatching the new series of Doctor Who, since it came to my attention that I had last left off with the first episode or two of Peter Capaldi's 12,and there is, like, a while new Doctor and everything now.
Eccleston's 9 was my favorite Doctor through and through, and I badly wish he had had a second series or was allowed into any of the specials.
I dearly love Rose and the bad-ass she grew to be.
I am still not sold on 10. Just too much angst and apologies and the angry young god. His companions were great, though Martha seemed to be a hastily-contrived rebound and never fully fleshed out the way she deserved. Donna was great and I cried actual tears with her parting of ways. I wish we saw more of the TARDIS's human personality from "The Doctor's Wife". I also wish we saw more of Jenny, the Doctor's daughter. And not just because I have the biggest crush on her, but because she has a really interesting character. And also she is adorable and I want to cuddle with her.
I liked 11, but I liked his companions more. Amy in particular I dearly love. (and no I did not choose my name after her, I was Amelia casually in fucking 2009). Clara I have just the worst crush on even still, and I am 90% sure she is my favorite companion to date. Also, like, is it weird how much I really enjoy the concept of companions flirting with themselves?
12 was a rough start for me. Those first few episodes really set an awkward tone, and I did not really like Capaldi's Doctor until "Heaven Sent" when he finally clicked for me. Bill was fun, although I liked Heather a whole lot more and wished she had gotten more play.
And 13! I love 13. Jodie Whittaker's Doctor is the culmination of the traits I have loved of the prior Doctors. She is kind, and funny, and bad-ass, and plays her regeneration's neurodivergence with empathy and dignity. She supplants 9 as my favorite, and I am looking forward to seeing her continue. Still not sold on her companion entourage. But I am only four episodes into hers.
Whew. It has been a long minute.
This weekend was a series of firsts for me. First kiss. First time doing sexy things with/to another person. First time seriously considering the idea of being polyamorous. First time seriously considering the idea of being more into watching sex than being a recipient of it. First time falling into mutual romantic love with someone. First time realizing just how gorramed validating it is to just, like, take your shirt off in front of someone and see them slack-jawed and misty-eyed. First time being called gorgeous/beautiful/sexy and really feeling the Truth to that. Hell, first time actually managing the social cues and transactions to make my intentions and desires clearly advertised, to even have the encounter happen at all.
No, it did not go the way I had been trying not to expect it to. It went pretty much exactly as it needed to go though.
Brooklyn is too gorramed far away. Distance is positively transphobic.
And I love her.
So I got this thing back almost fifteen years ago. It is labeled a "Tripp Lite Command Center CCI Plus", and is a big steel box intended to sit under a CRT monitor, and gives you 6 controllable outlets. One outlet is Unswitched and is always on. The Master/Computer switch turns on power to the other four switches, and directly controls the Computer outlet. The other four switches are labeled Monitor, Printer, Aux. 1, and Aux. 2 and each control a single dedicated outlet. All of the switches have built-in NE-2 neon bulbs, with the Master/Computer one being red and the others being orange. There is also a filter for passing through a 6P6C connection (go go modems, baby!), and the box is nominally a surge protector too though I doubt with its age there is any protection left.
This unit has been just itching for a use case most of my life, but with the switch to thin-panel monitors it has been really hard to work into a modern desk layout; it is just so bulky. It would be really nice to be able to tuck it down onto one of the "computer shelves" on my desk, so I can see the switch statuses but it is out of the way for all the crap I do on my desk.
So! I bought a Sonoff 4CH R2 from the usual scumbags and cracked open the unit. I wanted to preserve the indication on the NE-2 bulbs, though I did not necessarily need the switches to still work. I added the Sonoff into tees on each of the controllable circuits, and made the Master/Computer only control its own outlet directly. Then I flashed the wonderful Tasmota open-source control firmware onto the unit, and connected it to my home automation system.
I connected my two monitors to the Computer outlet on a power splitter. Two of the circuits, Monitor and Printer are connected to the overhead task lights on my desk shelf. Aux. 1 controls my Logitech Z623 speakers, which whine something dreadful when left on and nothing is routed to them (a known defect). Aux. 2 controls a small 4" desk fan, positioned behind my Surface Book for additional cooling when I am runing heavy loads on it.
With the switchbox now controllable over MQTT and home assistant, I can set up rules on my desktop and Surface Book to automate the desk. For example, my desktop will automatically turn on the speakers when their input is selected for sound and there is something playing. My Surface Book will enable the fan when it is on the dock. And I can turn off the task lights from my bed with my phone (using a free Android app called MQTT Dash).
The holidays can be a pretty big deal because of that for transfolk especially. Last year was my coming-out to the family at large, and it took over two weeks to draft up an email (to prime everyone and not, like, shock them by just showing up in a skirt and makeup). For me, everyone seems to have shifted to the correct pronouns and name quickly, but I freely admit my story has been a strongly atypical one.
But at the same token, my relationship with my mom has been rapidly degrading, to the point where our friendsgiving (I hate the trappings of American Thanksgiving too, but it is nice to have a big meal with friends, and it is harder to get turkey during the year) will be to the exclusion of my biological family, and consist of a chosen few. Turns out, one of the superpowers being LGBTQ gives you is the knowledge that, for the most part, family is solely who you chose to be your family, regardless of blood.
I offer support, and hugs, and condolences, and a place to stay to anyone who needs them this time of year.
Long, stressful, difficult TDoR. My first out fully. Wanted to go to a vigil, but too many things. So many emotions. Close to crumpling up into a ball of sad all day.
Moxie and I are going to hang out in bed the rest of the night.
(But also, welcome home Nettle!)
Dating Rules Are Hard
Important question. How creepy is it if I get involved with a 19-year-old at age almost-31?
The standard rule says my lower limit is like 22yo.
But also the trans dating pool is significantly smaller and not normally distributed.
And she is cute and friendly and...
IDK. I should have checked her age before starting down the path of inviting her to meet in person in December when she is home from college.
I probably should just cut it off now. Good sign it is creepy if I am trying to justify it.