| Amelia Meyer
We have been talking a lot on Slack about the new generation coming up, knowing the words that describe them, knowing that there are options to change. Knowing that transgender and cisgender are just different ways to be.
My generation, and even more so the ones before me, lacked even that knowledge. It is hard to ask for help with something you cannot even describe, much less expect someone else to understand that you need something.
I managed to get much of my knowledge, fortunately or unfortunately, from erotica, usually hosted on just the most godsawful gaudy "transsexual web rings". As you might imagine it colored my worldview. And taught me just. The worst things. Like, what the hell is up with the whole sissy/forced feminization thing? Seriously.
For the longest time, I struggled with the thought of "what if I started transition and discovered that actually this was all just a fetish!?" AKA the "am I trans enough/am I really trans or is this just a fetish" questions. Which a lot of people deal with.
Turns out, both! Totally OK to be turned on by change, and also to be transgender and transition! Funny thing about sexuality and gender identity being distinct things.
And it is so good to be online these days, where there is a plethora of good-quality information about how all of this works (to the best of our current scientific understanding)! I learn something new every day. Or relearn something I broke myself on in my formative years. I want to thank those around me for their patience with my stumbles.
And yeah honestly I deeply regret that I did not, could not, act on my need for transition back when it would have really counted, prior to or during first puberty. I regret every second of the 18 years, 5 months, 13 days that I never spoke up. Never asked for help. Never started transition.
But the past is past and there is little point in flogging oneself over it.
Have to move on girl, head held high.